Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Dystopia

Dale's quote of the day is as follows: 
 "It's funny how we always start talking about Michael and then wind up talking about the apocalypse." 
Reason why this is hilarious: its super accurate

Monday, October 28, 2013

None Ya

I finally got to visit my parents this past weekend after 3ish months of not seeing them. It was great! I played with puppies, ate mom's homemade food, hung out with friends, and basically just relaxed and felt like I was 16 again (hubby had to work and stayed behind).
 The only bad part (and reason for this venting) was the dozen or so ladies in church asking over and over if I was preggers yet. Really? I've been married less than FOUR MONTHS and that's all you can ask? Nothing about "how's married life" or a good old "how are you?" Some went as far as following the preggers question with "oh, well have you gained weight then?" (jerk. I haven't. I've been the same for the past two years.) and others said "oh that's good, but how long do you plan to wait?". That's such a personal question, and quite honestly, none of your business. If it's socially acceptable for you to ask about babies then it should also be socially acceptable for me to ask how much credit card debt you have. None of my damn business, right? Exactly.
By far the worst one was this lady whose name I don't even know lecturing me about contraception. She said things like "why havent you seen a gynecologist yet? I don't understand how girls can even use contraception without even knowing if they're fertile or not." and "if you use condoms you're always going to be stressed out, you're never going to enjoy your relationship." What the hell? what's it to you? I don't even know your name and you're lecturing me and telling me I should get pregnant as soon as possible? As much as I'd like kids some day, this is between my husband and I. Nobody else is going to be raising my children, so nobody needs to be lecturing me about condom usage.
Ugh, makes me so mad. Not even my parents or in-laws ask me about babies, why the hell should I answer to you? So what if I want to wait a little longer? Last I checked age 23 isn't considered old and decrepit yet. It's not like it's a now or never kind of thing. Excuse me for wanting to have a house, career, and education before a baby. Good things take time, and if my children are going to be the best thing that ever happened to me, then you can be damned sure I'm going to plan for them accordingly.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Video making

Packages come and go everyday in our office. Most of the time we just set them in our boss' office because its hunting equipment or some other random toy he found during his impulse Amazon shopping. Today though, I was accompanied up the elevator by a FedEx man with a dolly full of boxes meant for Great Sage (yeah, that's us). He dropped them off on our conference table (pictured) and I happily ignored them and went back to reducing PDF files.
A few minutes later our boss arrived and started tearing them open, and like anything else I ignored it and kept on staring blankly at my monitor. After some fiddling with the equipment he walked up to me, handed me a white umbrella, and said "Hey can you put this together for me? I'm not even going to tell you what it is, other than this white umbrella, you'll figure it out." 
Well... as it turns out... he purchased a green screen. Remember a few "Deal with Dale" posts ago where he sarcastically made a YouTube video advertising a Vessel Monitoring System? Well, it turns out that a real video needs to happen. Dale loves making videos using a green screen, so we think this was purchased simply for his benefit and amusement. 

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Job Security

Today as I was casually perusing Pinterest and reducing PDF file sizes (both mind numbing exercises) Dale walked into the office and said "do whatever you gotta do to become a Notary Public by today." 
My reflexive response to any of these kinds of things is an "ok sure" and then frantically Google "how tos" to see how challenging the task actually is. In this case... not so much. 
So I should get my "notary stuff" in 10 to 14 business days, if all goes well. Steve said it's a feeling of empowerment having a stamp that has your name on it. I ordered mine with purple ink, I hope they don't mind. Hmm... does this give me the potential to get paid for signing stuff? 

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Office Talk

Today Steve and Dale were talking about how they finish a whole tub of ice cream in one sitting, and then asked if my husband did anything like that. I responded with "I think he's smart enough not to do that when I'm in the house." After thinking about it a few more seconds I said "well, he'll do this thing where he'll finish an entire box of Cheez-Its in one sitting and won't leave any for me."
Both Steve and Dale chuckled with familiarity, and then they went off on how great Cheez-Its are. Here are a few quotes:

  • "Walmart has the two pound package, that's where I buy em. HEB only has the one pound."
  • "I used to end up with a pile of crumbs on my chest from eating a whole box during a movie. Just took the vacuum hose and sucked them all off before standing up."
  • "And Cheez-Its are great, you get all your basic food groups! You get the cheese, you get the "its"..."
  • "... you get the red, you get the yellow, you get the crunchy.... that's all you really need."
Oh men. I was warned that in 30 years I'd come home to my husband eating out of the tub of ice cream sitting in his underwear watching TV. Is it bad that I can already picture this? 

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Double the Fun

Today's little delight: a basket of chocolates was being passed around during church today. Although I wanted to take two, I knew I should only have one. I reached for a Snickers and was pleasantly surprised to see the packaging was glued to a second snickers bar. It was fate. I was meant to have two chocolate bars today. Nom nom nom. 

Thursday, October 10, 2013

100 Awesome Things

So to counteract my "100 Annoying Things" and because I have yet another day of nothing important to do at work (curse this government) here are 100 things that kinda just make your day sometimes. Maybe it's the optimist in me, but this list was much easier than the other one.

  1. Thinking of a good movie you want to see and finding it's playing on TV when you get home
  2. Waking up to rain
  3. Holding a purring cat
  4. Opening a new box of crayons
  5. The most perfect nacho off the pile
  6. Listening to cicadas at night
  7. Hugging towels that just came out of the drier
  8. Chewing crushed ice on a hot day
  9. Finding leftover chinese in the fridge in the morning 
  10. Standing on the seashore and letting your feet slowly sink into gooey, wet sand
  11. Giving someone a perfect High 5
  12. An upbeat song playing on the radio while you're driving fast
  13. Pop Rocks
  14. Playing "don't let the balloon touch the floor" 
  15. When "turning it off and then turning it on again" actually works
  16. Finding memes and ecards made just for you
  17. Living with someone who doesn't mind killing bugs for you
  18. Finding tupperware with tops that go with it
  19. Putting your feet up at the movie theatre
  20. Strategic trick-o-treating 
  21. Getting your hair brushed
  22. The other side of the pillow
  23. Being friends with someone who's great at telling stories
  24. Spur of the moment road trips
  25. Contagious smiles
  26. Singing, baking, and dancing at the same time
  27. Turning on the christmas lights
  28. Huge, fun families
  29. Cutting stuff with very good scissors
  30. Changing from skinny jeans into sweatpants
  31. Hitting all the green lights in a row
  32. Using a new tube of toothpaste
  33. Being super good at a new game
  34. Being the first person to use the shower
  35. Getting quarters back in change
  36. Looking for your birthday on next year's calendar
  37. Writing in a brand new notebook 
  38. Sneaking really good candy into the theatre
  39. Reuniting with old friends like if time hadn't passed by
  40. Getting the highest grade on a difficult exam
  41. Sharing an enormous roll of bubble wrap with someone
  42. Singing show tunes
  43. Writing with a super good pen
  44. Skinny days
  45. A free drink or meal because the manager recognizes you as a regular
  46. Visiting the house you grew up in
  47. Stories about your parent's childhoods
  48. The feeling of airplanes lifting off
  49. The day you turn in your last assignment for class
  50. Having your mom compliment something good you baked
  51. Being so happy you've smiled for hours
  52. Dimples
  53. Water balloon fights
  54. Driving next to a car with cute dogs in the passenger seat
  55. Signing things out of boredom
  56. Inside jokes
  57. Blowing out candles
  58. When you text someone out of the blue and they text you at the same time
  59. Writing with a perfectly sharpened pencil
  60. Completing awesome dreams without waking up and remembering them afterwards
  61. Finding money in your winter clothing
  62. Finding quarters at the bottom of the washer
  63. Humming the Tetris song as you rearrange your pantry or dishwasher
  64. Watching cats do dumb, ungraceful things
  65. Coming up with the perfect name for a pet
  66. Smells that remind you of home
  67. Picking up 10 things around the house before the commercials finish
  68. Sandwich platters
  69. Thunderstorms
  70. Playing in the rain
  71. Having a full battery when the lights go out
  72. Peeling grapefruits
  73. Walking into a building behind someone and not having to hold the door open
  74. Petting a furry dog with your feet
  75. Going through the carwash
  76. Clean, cool, crisp air
  77. The smell of cookies baking
  78. When you laugh in your sleep and wake yourself up
  79. The quiet, peaceful atmosphere of a library or bookstore
  80. Wearing super big t-shirts around the house
  81. When someone brings you back a souvenir
  82. Remembering all the words to an old song
  83. The Parking Lot Pull Through so you don't need to back out
  84. Peeling the plastic off of new, expensive things 
  85. Talking your way out of a ticket and bragging about it afterwards
  86. Licking the cheeto dust off your fingers
  87. Listening to really good piano music
  88. Lazy Sundays
  89. A fireworks show
  90. Matching your underwear with your clothes, but nobody knows
  91. Finding a cool new thing that you didn't know your cellphone could do
  92. Mom's cooking
  93. "Accidentally" spraying people with the hose as you wash your car
  94. Dogs that really really like water
  95. Spending 2 hours looking for the perfect birthday card
  96. Getting something you ordered in the mail
  97. Giving yourself a shampoo mohawk 
  98. Super fast water slides
  99. Theres always room for dessert
  100. Spinning around in your office chair

100 Annoying Things

This post makes me sound like I'm angry at the world, but really I just feel like typing away while thinking creatively and listening to Pandora. The boss is gone, my office is empty, and all my work is finished. Let me happily click away at my keyboard until 5-o'clock comes around.

A bunch of bad things that happen to good people... 
  1. Getting your back scratched, but the person doing it never finds the itchy spot 
  2. Biting into nothing but lettuce in your Subway
  3. When you're about to get out of the car and your favorite song finally comes on
  4. Being asked "how was work?" for the millionth time and having to give a boring, bland response
  5. Your paper towel not tearing off all the way on the perforated line
  6. People asking you questions over dinner when all you want to do is chew and chew and chew
  7. Forgetting to bring your new bottle of shampoo and conditioner into the shower with you
  8. Realizing you didn't lock the front door after getting into bed
  9. Waiting for that one extremely slow driver to pass before you can pull out into traffic
  10. Having 3 socks loose their sole-mates after doing laundry
  11. Getting hiccups right as you're about to fall asleep
  12. Reading something in which the oxford comma is not used
  13. The TV volume not being on an even number
  14. Leaving the McDonalds drink in your cup holder overnight and coming back to a puddle of watered down Dr.Pepper when you try to throw it out. 
  15. Perfectly quoting a movie at the right time and then nobody gets it
  16. Finding shelves cleared of an item I had a coupon for
  17. Food not heating evenly in the microwave
  18. Drying my hands with damp towels
  19. Getting licked by a dog who just drank out of the toilet
  20. Mispronouncing a word because I was thinking of it in Spanish and now I sound stupid
  21. Items falling into the black hole between the seat and center console in the car
  22. The pain in your hands as you carry all your grocery bags up the stairs
  23. Washing out old food in greasy tupperware containers
  24. Finding a bird pooped on the car you washed 3 hours ago
  25. Or worse: having a bird poop on the door handle of the car you washed 3 hours ago
  26. Driving behind a person that can't decide where they're going
  27. Your pen running out of ink during an intense note-taking session
  28. Pouring a bowl of cereal and finding out there's no milk
  29. The vending machine eating your last dollar
  30. Forgetting to turn off the alarm for a Saturday morning
  31. Having to talk on the phone after running up the stairs
  32. Never finding your name on personalized key chains
  33. Coming home and realizing you forgot to take out the smelly trash in the kitchen
  34. Having "Lion King" hair days
  35. Dumb cashiers that smash your bread while bagging the groceries
  36. Someone biting into a Kit Kat without sharing
  37. Getting asked "do you work here" when I try to fix things on shelves at Walmart, even when I'm wearing basketball shorts and a hoodie
  38. Finding out that part of the outfit you planned to wear today is in the laundry
  39. Being woken up during the best part of your dream
  40. Finishing a good book and feeling empty inside
  41. Not getting a compliment on the dinner you just spent 3 hours and half your grocery budget on
  42. Having to reset the password because of 3 failed attempts
  43. People talking on the phones in libraries
  44. Paper cuts on my fingertips
  45. Fighting with a new toy's packaging for 3 hours because I can't find a pair of scissors
  46. Someone altering the seat and mirrors in my car
  47. Finding toast crumbs in your butter
  48. People who ask about every single item on the menu before ordering a #1 with a Coke
  49. Having to explain the same thing 4 times because your husband won't pause the game. 
  50. Sitting on a damp bench 
  51. Someone talking an unattractive photo of you and posting it on Facebook 
  52. The price tag leaving behind an ugly, sticky residue on a gift
  53. Taking forever to find the perfect temperature in the shower
  54. Burning my tongue at the beginning of a meal and not being able to taste anything afterwards. 
  55. Hitting every red light because of that one car that cut in front of you
  56. Stepping on something wet while wearing socks
  57. Having to fill up on gas right after the price went up
  58. Finding an awesome shirt on sale and not finding your size... like why you gotta play me like that? 
  59. When you try to watch your favorite movie but none of your friends find it interesting
  60. When you wake up in the middle of the night and one of your arms is asleep for no apparent reason. 
  61. Finding nasty stuff under your fingernails
  62. Discovering your t-shirt is inside out halfway throughout the day
  63. Being the driver on a long road trip and having everybody in the car fall asleep
  64. Driving into the sun and having no sunglasses 
  65. Having a human giraffe sitting in front of you at the movie theatre
  66. Getting a sunburn that leaves marks of what you wore
  67. Receiving multiple responses from unknown phone numbers after being the recipient of a mass text
  68. Having to get up out of an extremely comfortable couch
  69. Stepping into an ant pile
  70. Finding a hole in your favorite shirt
  71. The day when your shoelaces don't want to stay in a knot
  72. Sounds at the dentists office
  73. Things getting in your eyes during a very windy day
  74. Seeing someone take a sip of your drink thinking it's theirs
  75. Finishing a puzzle only to find there are missing pieces
  76. Forgetting there's stuff in the oven until it starts to smoke
  77. Being really hungry and the food you're trying to eat is super hot and you burn your tongue with every bite
  78. Waiting an entire week for the next episode to come out
  79. Spammers on Craigslist
  80. Picking the slowest line at the grocery store and watching all the other lines move faster
  81. People who complain about being fat but are obviously the skinniest person in the group
  82. Parents who swear at their children
  83. Finding thirteen half-finished water bottles in your kitchen
  84. Dealing with people that think they're above the rules
  85. Getting asked when you plan to have kids
  86. Tiny dogs that bark excessively
  87. People whose emotions are all based on how well their team is doing
  88. Having to reset all the clocks in the house
  89. When an idiot says "literally" but they're supposed to use "figuratively" instead
  90. Hearing the word "like" 5 times per sentence
  91. Plucking my eyebrows. It's so painful. 
  92. Always messing up the first pancake  
  93. Wanting to sneeze but not being able to
  94. Getting slapped because someone was trying to kill a mosquito on you and missed
  95. Mistakenly using the conditioner before the shampoo
  96. Hitting your shin on the ball mount hitch of a truck
  97. Stubbing your toe in the dark
  98. Chapped lips and no chapstick
  99. Game requests on Facebook. Seriously, nobody cares about you Farm. 
  100. Missing a step going down the staircase

Friday, October 4, 2013

President Pickles

I work at an Innovation Center where people with new and innovative businesses ideas can join and get help with pretty much anything they need to get their companies started. We partner with the University and pretty much use grad students to do all the leg-work (this is how I found my job). Our company has officially "Graduated" from this program and now we have to move out of the building before the end of the year, so we've been frantically trying to find a new location.
Today while Johnette and I were focused on our jobs trying to get things done, Dale walked in with a very important announcement. He said "I have some news that will benefit You and You (pointing at each of us). As of September 1, 2013 it is officially legal to sell up to $50,000 worth of pickles (this is the part where we stopped taking him seriously and looked back at our computer screens) out of a house or garage and not have to pay taxes on them. This is a "new and innovative" idea that can help us stay another 3 years in this building if we want to."
This proclamation was followed with general laughter and then a quick dismissal. This is the most common reaction we all have to the Dale's news of the day. I have to say... if he was serious about selling his homemade pickles I'd totally be down for it, they're awesome. But as for now, I must focus on finding this company a new place to live before we're evicted :(


Venom Joins Our Family

 


So everyone knows I've been wanting a dog for years now, right? And apartment living makes things a little trickier. I had sort of put the "I want a puppy" thing on the back burner until we got a house, but this huge little guy joined our family last night. Family friends (Bolsters) had a litter of black labs and he was the last one to find a new home. I first held him when he was about a month old, but since I also held all his siblings I have no idea which of them he was, and I had no idea I would be bringing him home so much later.
He's at Phil's parents for the moment... while we puppy proof our place. He is only 15 weeks old here and already much larger than Bandit and Ice Dog.
 Last night I was subject to the Wyeth Tradition of Pet Naming, which is an official 30-minute meeting where family members get to suggest and elect the right name. Here is a list of all the ones we came up with, the highlighted ones are my suggestions:

Duke
Diesel
Tzar
Vader
Galaxy
Trojan
Loki
Thor
Smash
Taber
Oakley
Ray Ban
Bane
Venom
Carnage
Black Jack
Bullet
Texas
Shadow
Thunder
Mosby
Black Pearl
Goofy
Wait-for-it
After two rounds of voting and eliminating our least favorites, we ended with the top contenders of Diesel, Vader, Loki, Oakley, Venom, and Mosby. I think I'm awesome at names, and as you can tell... the top 6 were all my suggestions. After another round of votes the top two were Vader and Venom. I didn't know which one to go with, but Venom won hands down in the end (5 out of 5 votes). 
He is just the cutest dog! He walks perfectly on the leash, naturally knows how to retrieve things I throw, is potty trained, and got the hang of the "Sit" command within 2 minutes. I plan to register him as a Comfort Dog, which gives him the same privileges as working dogs and can therefore be taken anywhere (stores, airplanes, etc.). Let's see what new adventures this huge puppy brings to our lives. 

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