It sucks sometimes

I need to sit and complain at something.

I need to complain about how I don't own a device that allows me to travel across large distances in a second. And about how my life is on pause for 22 days out of the month. And about how everyone thinks it's just fabulous that I'm married, yet I live on my own. How great! they say. That way you don't fight and you can do whatever you want! That's how marriages last so long, just stay away from each other!

I need to complain about the other half of the population that is constantly asking "so how's Phil?" And then they nod appreciatively when I say "he's good". Like they just did something noteworthy. Like they made me feel better by reminding me that my husband is 1800 miles away. And then they follow up with "is he liking it over there?" And then follow that up with an "oh that's good" after I say "yeah, he likes to travel." But there's really no other answer I could give them. Most of my answers are reflex responses because I can't really find it in myself to over-analyze just what I think of this separation due to job nonsense. And Then, they follow everything up with a joke about how I get to spend all the money he's making. Like if he's instantly a millionaire. Like I'm some gold digger that's in it for the cash. Like I don't spend my days carefully itemizing expenditures and debts and savings. Like if having a little extra cash in my pocket makes up for going to bed alone every night.

I need to complain because damn, are people nosy. When are you having a baby? they ask. It's time already, don't you think? I love my family, but geesh if you want a baby so bad make one yourself. They expect me to have a perfect answer to their probing questions, like if I were on some sort of talk show. Yes I have plans for children. NO you can't know them. NO you can't know if I'm on birth control. NO you don't know when the "right time" is, and besides, nobody asked you! I don't need your opinion.

I need to complain because it just sucks sometimes. It sucks not seeing your next step. It sucks not knowing. Move or stay? Where to live? What to study? I've never hated school before, why do I hate it now? What should I want? What should I like? How should I live? Am I supposed to like living alone? Am I supposed to hate it? Where should I work? Where will I end up?

I need to complain because life doesn't get easier, and that's fine. That's expected. But it gets so confusing! Should I be careful about the future? Should I act like I'm invincible? Live like I was dying? Plan for tomorrow? Be the ant or be the grasshopper? Want a simple life? Dream of a grandiose one? If I aim low, I'm settling. If I aim high, then I'm worldly. Where's the middle?

I need to complain because I've gotten used to living alone. And I kind of like it. I like stretching out on the bed. I like staying up until 3AM doing homework. I like not bothering to cook when I'm not hungry. I like a clean, orderly house. I like having the TV off and reading in silence. I like talking to my dog and watching his confused expressions trying to figure out if we are going for a walk or not.
But I also kind of hate it. I dislike how I moved to a new city because of the people, but then the people left and I'm still here. I dislike how it takes me so long to say things properly in Spanish. I dislike how my husband has no interest in my culture. I dislike how I feel like I'm supposed to be doing more and yet I feel myself doing less with life.

Alright I think I'm done. A lot of the things I just said make little sense to me but at least I sort of cleared my mind a little. Tomorrow I may be too embarrassed by this post to leave it up, so we'll see.